User:Rickyrab/ April Fool's BJAODN
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On April 1 2005, Encyclopædia Britannica, The Ligatured Encyclopædia, announced its immediate semi-hostile takeover of the Wikimedia Foundation (to be known henceforth as Wikimædia) and all of its projects, including Wikipedia (now Wikipædia), Wikisource, Wikiquote, Wikibooks, and Wikinews. Founder Jimmy Wales (know henceforth as Jimmy Wæles), giving a brief statement to the New York Times from his Maui survivalist compound, was reported to be "extremely pleased" with the £133.7 million severance package given to each of the five-and-a-half trustees of the Wikimedia Foundation. Wikipædia is best known as the "encyclop[a]edia" that any old fool can edit.
Despite the board's confidence, some Britannica investors privately indicated financial concerns about the deal, noting that "the Wikipedia wasn't really a free encyclopædia after all." Economy measures expected to be implemented as part of the agreement include an immediate restriction on contributions to Wikipædia and its sister projects to those that have already signed formal agreements with Britannica and an immediate appropriation of all funds donated during the last funding drive to be divided amongst previous contributors to Britannica. It's expected that to create or edit a page will now cost users £99.97/page in English or American language. Affordable fee localisation will be provided for wikipædias of economically troubled states.
Wikipædia administrators, members of the Wikimædia Board of Trustees, Arbitration Committee members and several other cabalists will receive free access. However, their adminship powers will be stripped permanently.
The ensuing global crisis has led Arab countries to block all oil imports to the United States; southern hill-billies are lost without gasoline for the SUVs, and the ongoing Canada-Mexico war has laid waste to much of the central and northern parts of the USA. As the US government goes into exile on the West coast, and France and Germany once again pull continental Europe into turmoil, the United Kingdom of Great Britannica rises victorious from the waves. The United Nations declares its loyalty to the the UK; Commonwealth states rescind their independence; and Buckingham Palace suspends the Labour government, assuming direct rule of the globe from the imperial capital, London.
Prospective contributors are welcome to sign up at Encyclopædia Britannica's Web site and send proposals in outline format using Courier New exclusively. Contributions handed in on time and in simple English (only) will make the contributor eligible for a grand prize drawing of a rare 1956 photo of Margaret Thatcher dating from her burlesque days. Contributors will in both word and deed release, indemnify, hold harmless, op. cit., and terra firma in the sole possession of Encyclopædia Britannica and its heirs and assigns, trustees, justices of the peace, bailiffs, playwrights, movie directors, notaries public, et aliter, pro bono, deus ex machina, ceteris paribus, and Notary Sojack. Nothing in this agreement should be construed to release, exempt, hold harmless, harmless hold or in any way free the contributor from the presumption that said party is a damned fool and deserves what he gets. This agreement is made under the laws of the Principality of Liechtenstein except for section 1(a), 4(c) and all of the part the dog ate, which fall under laws in force when men were men, the women were glad of it, and the sheep were nervous (and everyone fell asleep). In case of confusion, this agreement reverts to the laws of Saint Lucia and six of its 11 quarters.
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[edit] International reaction
See User:Rickyrab/ BJAODN Reaction to takeover.
[edit] Internal reaction
See User:Rickyrab/ BJAODN Reaction to takeover.
[edit] New corporate structure
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Britannica has instituted a new corporate structure for the Wikipedia, with several high profile nominations:
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[edit] Immediate aftermath
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[edit] Related Information
- Doctor Who, returning to the BBC after 15 years, will return next year without Christopher Eccleston as the 9th Doctor. Instead, Groucho Marx, Chico Marx, and Harpo Marx will be cast as the 10th, 11th, and 12th Doctors, respectively. Breaking with previous tradition, the three Doctors will work in tandem throughout the season, usually attempting some light-hearted swindle or love-affair as the universe falls down around them. One unnamed BBC official stated, "This is a triumph of genetic engineering! If all goes well, we need hire only the dead to create classic television."
- Background music for all pages will be provided by German electro-pop group Kraftwerk, with cameo appearances by Ashlee Simpson and Janet Jackson (with her wardrobe malfunction, of course). On most holidays, this will be replaced by Badger Badger Badger, anything by Slipknot (band) and/or The Hamster Dance.
- Daniel H. Pink will be publicly executed by elephant. Howdy Doody and Clarabell are teaming up with Oscar the Grouch to oppose the execution. Standing in favor of the death penalty will be Hopalong Cassidy, the Lone Ranger and Dumbo (who needs the work).
- Michael Jackson will donate his Neverland Ranch to Monaco, and will be crowned Prince for his generosity. This marks the first time in history that an artist can be referred to as "The artist currently known as Prince"
- Britannica will hold a "Putting for Page Deletion" charity event, whose celebrity participants will include Ronald McDonald, Buckethead, and Rush Limbaugh.
- Former Vermont governor Howard Dean has reported made a second Dean scream in response to the takeover; the actual meaning of his statement has not yet been determined. He also announced that he will attempt to imitate another famous scream known as the Wilhelm scream.
- In this oxymoronic era of mega-mergers and diminishing expectations, random-character vandal bot substubs will be eligible for featured article status. Or, to put it another way, "aasdfkjghryq" (pronounced: Luigi).
- Upon this story first being circulated in Germany, loud shouts of joy were heard at the headquarters of Der Spiegel, after which everyone drove to the De Wallen in Amsterdam.
- Distraught from the takeover, Bill Gates announced plans he would purchase the tiny island nation of Sealand. In anticipation of the buyout, Norton AntiVirus has announced it will release a new version of its antivirus software with a special micronation patch. There is also a planned [[
