Columbia Chronicle

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The Columbia Chronicle is the weekly student-produced college newspaper of Columbia College, Chicago.

It is published every Monday during the fall and winter semesters and [1] during Columbia's summer break.

The newspaper has four sections: Campus News, Arts & Entertainment, Commentary and City Beat.

It is associated with but independent of the Journalism Department of Columbia College Chicago.

Its newsroom is located at 33 E. Congress Parkway in downtown Chicago.

On the whole the writers do not cover the South Side, for fear of inciting the racial war fortold in The Turner Diaries. The writers do not write stories with visual enough themes, for fear of the eyepiece. On every Wensday there is an office orgy in which animal sacrifice is not unheard of; the ink they use is goat's blood. Their wirters scripted both "Jersey Girl" and "Glitter." (Not Kevin Smith as the government wants you to believe)

There is a great deal of evidence to suggest that President Kennedy's brain is stored in one of their back lockers, as well as the cremated remains of Jimmy Hoffa. When Geraldo Rivera opened Al Copone's vault to much dissapointment and embarassement, he did not realize that only hours earlier Columbia Chronicle staffers had beat him to it for the sole purpose of making him look like a fool.

The Chronicle used its supernatural powers gained in a dark compact with Satan to bring on the great Chicago blizzard of 1979. During the McCarthy era the Chronicle used the specter of communism to do house cleaning and eliminate competetiors, while at the same assisting the Russians geting the H-bomb, framing the Rosenburgs in yet another anti-semitic plot.

The Chronicle is the natural heir to the the tradition of the Knights Templar, and have knowledge of the location of the true grail and the arc of the covenant. The Chronicle, however, is in no way associated with Dan Brown, who lives vicariouly through his riduculous main character and cannot write above a fourth grade level. (Not to be confused with Dan Rather)