Which Witch?

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For boardgame, see Which Witch? (boardgame).

Which Witch? is a humorous children's fantasy novel by Eva Ibbotson.

At the beginning of the book a young child in London is apparently 'destined' by many omens (e.g. storms, vultures settling on his family's birdtable) to become a dark wizard, Arriman the Awful. His parents comply, raising him to be as dark and wicked as humanly possible.

Upon adulthood, Arriman is tired of his job working curses and terror. To help him, he creates a seal-like beast with three heads, called the Wizard Watcher, to search for the next great dark wizard prophesied to take his place - but the wizard does not 'cometh' and so the beast takes a holiday.

To his horror, Arriman is advised by his secretary, Leadbetter - a man possessing defect is a tail with which he was born - that he needs to find a bride to produce an heir so he can retire. Only the most evil witch will do because of family tradition.

Arriman is forced to hold a series of contests for potential brides to prove their abilities with black magic, using only witches of a certain rural area. These include a senile hag who turns into a coffee table whenever she becomes depressed; a farmer witch with a flat, impatient demeanor; identical twins who are continually arguing over their identical familiars; a cruel sorceress; and the daughter of a former mermaid who was changed into a human to marry a fishmonger.

But one candidate, Belladonna, can only work white magic in spite of her best efforts otherwise. This has led to her ill-treatment at the tongues of her fellow witches; she has almost no self-esteem and doubts very much that her feelings for Arriman will ever find fulfillment.

Depressed, Belladonna wanders through the town until she reaches an orphanage. There, she meets a boy called Terence whose pet earthworm, Rover, has been injured by the Matron. Belladonna heals Rover. The Matron, seeing the worm alive and in the child's hands, advances on them-- only to be fastened to the ground by Belladonna. Surprised at this sudden inclination toward dark magic, Belladonna takes Rover as her familiar and Terence as her companion.

The contest proceeds, judged by Arriman, by a djinn called Chatterjee, and by a ghoul called Sniveler. The sea witch, Mabel Wrack, attempts to summon a Kraken; instead, she summons her maiden aunts, who give her a Kraken larva and depart. The larva thereafter follows Arriman everywhere. Ethel Feedbag, the country witch, shuts a man in an oak tree, a woman in an ash tree, and a child in a thorn tree. The spirits of the latter trees rush off in disgust, whereas the oak promises to take care of the man for as long as he chooses to stay. The man, for his part, is willing to stay forever.

Witch number three-- one of the twins-- creates a bottomless hole from which neither she nor Arriman may recover anything. She and her sister argue over which familiar was involved in the trick; one of them falls into the hole, and the other falls into depression. On the next day, the hag attempts to change seven female descendants of royalty into seven black swans. One of them changes into a duck, one into a penguin, and one into a parrot. At this, the witch changes into a coffee table. Arriman disqualifies her.

In the meantime, the worm Rover has gone missing. Madame Olympia, the sorceress, is to perform her trick a few days later; Belladonna's turn comes last. As far as Terence, Belladonna, Leadbetter, and Arriman's cyclopic valet Lester know, sinister magic is impossible for Belladonna if Rover is not in reach.

To prevent Belladonna's disqualification, Terence and Leadbetter's sister Amelia arrange for a stage actor to come to Arriman's estate, where he will act the part of its late lord, Simon Montmercy Montpelier, whose return from the dead is the focus of Belladonna's trick.

Madame Olympia, in her turn, conjures the illusion of a rabble of rabid rats, who proceed to run wild, grow to giant size, expose their skeletons, and eventually devour each other. The last rat eats its own flesh to oblivion.

Arriman is a little frightened by this trick; he gives Olympia 99% of full marks. Belladonna, in her turn, enacts dramatically what she believes to be the raising of a dead knight. Sir Simon emerges from behind a tapestry, whereapon Belladonna faints. She wakes in Arriman's most luxurious bed. Realizing that she is the winner, she plunges into a series of blissful dreams. Her white magic, stirred by passionate desire, goes to work, filling the room with extravagant decorations.

Arriman, seeing her surrounded by flowers and by her own golden hair, is spontaneously infatuated. He is most impatient for the wedding. But his happiness is spoiled when Belladonna finds that Rover is gone. Lester and Arriman, suspecting that Madame Olympia has stolen the worm, invade the enchantress's caravan and seize Rover from her fire. Even with her worm, Belladonna's magic remains solely healthy and beautifying. She declines to marry Arriman, saying to the effect that if she consummates her match with him their children may inherit her power rather than his.

Terence, unnoticed, has been recaptured and taken to the orphanage. There, he is about to fetch water for his roommate Billy when he overhears the Matrons talking about him. The events they describe, occurring early on in their charge of him, are reminiscent of the omens that marked Arriman. Believing himself a wizard, Terence changes the nastier Matron into a spider. He returns to the estate, where the returned Wizard Watcher proclaims him "the new wizard"; Arriman's heir. Here it is revealed that the dark magic summoned by Belladonna did not come from Rover the earthworm, but from Terence himself. It is also revealed that the actor hired by Terence never reached the estate; evidently, the Sir Simon called by Terence and Belladonna is a re-creation of the original knight.

Arriman and Belladonna marry, hosting for their wedding a great celebration to which all persons conducive to its consummation-- the six silly witches, a horde of spirits, and the larval Kraken among others-- are invited. Sir Simon and Madame Olympia elope together, thanks to a drug with which they were doped on Arriman's orders. Both have a reputation for murdering their spouses, therefore Arriman is amused to wonder which one will kill the other in order to acquire inheritance. The bottomless hole is disenchanted by Terence, recovering the witch who was trapped within it. Terence goes on to change the sea witch into a mermaid.

After the celebration is over, all the residents relax. Arriman and Belladonna are already making plans to write books (presumably about magic); Leadbetter is already making plans to help them; the Wizard Watcher debates between its three heads the subject of how to look after Terence. Terence himself promises to be all right.